May 18, 2013

SWAK one point milliun


fuck version 2.0, fuck beta, fuck all that sh_t.

Swak swak, the bitch is back, yall. you thought i was done for good but that was some wishful thinking on your part. I’m back, I’m bad, get used to that!



With so much drama in the KFC, it’s kind of hard being a woman these days. Here a woman there a woman everywhere a woman woman. Is THIS a woman? The jury is still out having margaritas. This SWAK goes out to all the ladies in the world.

All MY Laadddiieesssssssss

These days it’s all: men this, men that. We’re gonna change the tune of the liberal media and be all like: LADIES FIRST!



What if, i mean, WHAT IF, the next pope was a lady? My sources tell me there are already renegade lady popes out there and they’re making sweatshirts available online only for at least ten dollars.



F the Y.



Y. why?

everyone spell it however you want no one cares.



Now, it was clear to all of us from the get-go that this so-called lady was not a lady but a bitch. But everyone just sort of accepted that world Disney sold us, and we were like, sure, this is a lady. and she’s also a bitch, and she’s also in a romantic relationship with a dog, which is unacceptable in real life, but in the words of Frank Ocean (and every other smart motherf), art is what we wish for life.UGH, DINSNYY, a lady and a BItch are NOT the same thing, just like irony and alanis-morrisette-irony are not the same thing! Here some questions for you:

You saying that we want dogs to date ladies?

You saying conservatives were right—hollywood has brought upon us a plague and giving “the homosexuals” rights has led us into bestiality (a practice popular among the directionless generation of twenty-somethings)?

What do I say about all this?? OH WELL! let dogs and ladies slurp noodles together.

But in case you want to remember the difference between a lady and a bitch, here are some key distinctions:

hairdo: a lady has hair and a bitch has fur

nails: a lady paints hers and a bitch uses hers to dig holes in the backyard

eyes: a lady might wear mascara, and a bitch doesn’t give a fuck

purses: a lady owns one, but probably more than one, and a bitch will eat a purse.

diamonds: a lady considers these cold, hard gems her best friend and will confide her deepest, most traumatizing secrets to them. A bitch will sniff a diamond, determine it’s inedible, and disregard it like Johnny Depp did his ex (name anyone? didn’t think so)


Ladies in the Future

In the future, what will ladies look like? Blue, green, and red all over? OR just like they do today? We checked in with our resident lady expert and devoted reader of SWAK, The Lady in the Mirror, to find out her thoughts on ladies in the jetson age.


swak: soooo, what ladies look like in the jetson age?

mirror lady: they probably look like me.

swak: oh yeah? why is that?

mirror lady: cause im perfect.

swak: okay, vain much?

mirror lady: for real, what did you expect from me?

swak: yolo!

mirror lady: yolo!

These are NOT ladies

Despite what they say.


you’re not fooling no one


What would it be like if ladies ruled the world like everyone’s favorite psychic Miss Beyonce Knowles? Call her up at 1+1+1+1+1+1+1.


Well, that’s all we got for you right now so go drink a glass of chardonnay or converse with a lady! I’m reachin out to all you babies out there. peace. we’ll be back in two shakes of the lamb of my lord’s tail. keep it real saucy out there all mah ladies, OR ELS.

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June 12, 2012

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