September 5, 2011

SWAK SWAK the bitch is bak, you big ol babies.

wassup ya’ll? ya’ll been waiting around for me? pulling out your hair like you have a disease in anticipation of my presence? Yeah, ME NEITHER.
But uh, then again, I get to hang with me ALL THA TYME (it’s radicalll).

SWAK! Anytime is like a fine wine; you can’t be drinking this shit everyday 1) because it’s hella expensive 2) because if you did, it wouldn’t be so special (and not in a retarded way, but in a marie callendar > mcdonalds kind of way). And you have not waited in vain, fools. Dis time ima be goin’ off about dem SLEAZIES. Ya hurrdd?

the other morning, while i was waiting in line outside popeyes (obvi, it was a tuesday, two pieces for 99 centttssss, yeah), and anyway, this guy walks by and is like “wasssup asian girl??” I was thinking daang. and then, as I fought a bum for my bag of chicken, I got the idea for my next SWAK ATTAK.


There’s nothing more sleazy than a lady with a round plastic thing of hairgel. But we like that, it’s sort of charming. It’s like a monkey with a chainsaw or, perchance, a baby rinsing an apple. It’s a novelty and out of the ordinary. What’s the sleaziest things you have ever seen? 50 cents for chips at Farolito? Naked babies all crying and oceanic for attention?
The sleaziest thing I ever seen was a fox in a toupee. I mean, puh-lease. Also, a flower wearing a toupee? get. a. life.
Right? Ya’ll know what I mean.

swakity swak ya’ll.

ya’hurd of this new hip dance called the cat daddy? it’s sweeping the middle school scene sort of like how Garfield was the cat of our generation and Felix was the cat of our old ass grandparents. You just ask me “swak-lady what about Felix da Housecat?” FUCK HIM.

It’s not like we had a falling out or anything over a container of pink gel from Walgreens that he used up. Not even. It’s just that he’s entirely irrelevant in this discussion (just like his gel-thieving music).

anyway, i interviewed three lil chubbies about the dance and why they like to dance and whatever.

SWAK!: why you like to dance lil guy?
KIDDO: cause i’m one coool guy, duh.

SWAK!: do you think it makes you sleazy?

KIDDO: what’s that mean?

SWAK!: you know, sleazy. like, supersalido or something.

KIDDO: I don’t even know what that means. you know I’m Chinese right?

SWAK!: arright what’s your favorite dance?

KIDDO: whatever the ladies like, whatever the lady’s feelin’.

SWAK!: alright, well i guess that’s it.

walter and friends

When You Look Up Sleazy You Find

  • a photograph of a coconut with elbow pads and a plastic, fine tooth comb
  • a chapbook called, you see what you do to me, girl?
  • a graphic organizer made by mc hammer
  • protesters with terrible singing voices (and even worse handwriting)
  • anarchists (less sleazy in practice, but in scent, most definitely)
  • a ke$ha music video (no, farreal)
  • my best friend, Pamela

IM OUT. Til next time, cat-butts.

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July 11, 2011


whos our demographic? who likes us, what are THey like? here’s some testimonials from dudes and ladies who love what we’re throwin down.

A lady who lives in a mirror!

SWAK!: So, you love SWAK! Anytime?

Lady: Yeah, it’s the best!

SWAK!: we’re so glad to hear it from you. So what do you like?

Lady: I feel like it’s tailored to people like me who mostly fluff my hair all day and have weird opinions of the world outside. I love this outdated sweater I’m wearing!

SWAK!: We love it too!

A Precious lil Baby!

SWAK! Anytime: So baby, why do you like SWAK!? Also, isn’t it a little mature for you?

Baby: Because it’s good!

SWAK! Anytime: Well, thank you!

Baby: My momma lets me read it, and I love how you write about babies like me.

SWAK! Anytime: You’re referring to Issue 4. I don’t think you should have read that one…

Baby: But of course I did! Why shouldn’t I? Let me just have a look… oh HORROR OF HORRORS!


SWAK! Anytime: We didn’t realize that thumbs loved (could read) Swak!

Thumb: Not like I have anything better to do.

SWAK! Anytime: Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Thumb: I have this program that translates stuff to braille.

SWAK! Anytime: That’s legit.

So, that’s who reads SWAK! Anytime Newsletter.

ARE YOU a SWAK! reader who feels unrepresented by this wide survey? Send us ten cheerio box tops, and we’ll send you a complementary SWAK-action bracelet! And no, we didn’t spell words like “complementary” wrong.

HAVE A SWAKTASTIC DAY, EVERYONE! Remember to eat your minced rabbit!

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